


Inside Myself

by ValentineTrippy



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: linkinpark - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 06:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineTrippy/pseuds/ValentineTrippy
Summary: Why is everything that we feel our choices? What is Mike's reaction when a therapist tries to help?. (Part 2 of ?) Please review if you like it.





	1. Chapter 1

My world fell apart on the morning of July 20th I know this sounds like something that everyone else that known him would say but the truth is his presence is what made me be able to stand myself. He was the one that brought me out of my cage like head when anyone else could. When he passed I went back to my old ways, I let my thoughts take over, all my smiles are fake, eating is like a chore, sleep never comes without doing a lot of things. This only lasts for a little while my therapist says, my therapist also says that I won’t get better without medication. Doctors say that I am feelings this way because I made a choice to. That was the day that I picked up the therapist’s notebook and wrote,

“Feeling this way wasn’t my choice, my mind loves holding everything that I done wrong against me. I didn’t choose to fake every smile that I have smiled today, a real one just can’t can’t come to my lips. I guess that I decided to make eating difficult because all my problems are my choices. Sleep doesn’t come because I am not taking my medications.  
I am taking all my medications on time and doing everything right in your eyes but everyone’s eyes everything is different, please think about this.”

I never signed my name at the bottom because I didn’t feel like it right now. I felt the therapist’s stare so much that I left the room without looking at the person scanned through my words that were written in the blue fountain pan that he had on his desk and the notebook that he had on his desk. He had the notebook open with a pen close by just in case I said something so out of the blue that he had to put in on file but when he said put it on file I know he meant show the things that I said to his coworkers and laugh. I can hear his laugh now just teasing the person that could hear him but little did he know that everyone that walked through the door felt like he was just going to laugh about the words that they said later. Nobody told him because they knew he would tell his coworkers that people know that they talk about people that come. Only a handful of people knew this because everyone else thought that this thought is a lie.

In the studio today I played the same piano part twice in the same song, I smiled fake smiles and I never ate with the guys in the band. They clearly notice a change in me because of medication that I have never taken since I met Chester. The pills took my personality away so it is my responsibility to take the role of myself on because my medication takes it away from me over and over.  
In the middle of the session I called Anna from the bathroom crying because I can’t play a piano part I knew by heart, I told her that I felt like I was failing the guys just because I can’t get my mind to play a piano part I played a million times.

Today I felt so weak that I couldn’t get out of bed and I didn’t because every time I tried to get out of bed I felt weird. I stayed in bed for a few hours then stumbled into my home studio. I sat down in the chair for a bit then I stood up and held onto my keyboard for support because I have gotten so thin that I am literally almost falling every time I stand but I am choosing to feel this way, I don’t believe this lie because if I chose to feel this way what am I thinking. If I chose this I am just asking for attention but I feel this way because I have no choice. To stop feeling this way I am just supposed to think happy thoughts and throw the razors away and smile a real smile for once instead faking smiles like an attention seeker. What is an attention seeker then a person that does things for attention but what would you do if the once person that made you whole passed. I know my best friends and band mates feel similar but they grieved the way that is normal and accepted the facts of the situation while I got the bullying on social media. When I said bullied I mean that they told me that trying to be happy is a heartless move. Trying to act human is an act that is so hard for me but I am called out if I do one thing wrong while mistakes are supposed to be times of learning but my mistakes are ways for people to laugh.

I am supposed to just forget the feelings that I have and just move on with life as if nothing happened like a heartless person. What if I lost who I was because I wasn’t myself without him on earth. I was told asked before what would Chester think of ow I was taking this and I said,

“If Chester seen how I was struggling he wouldn’t tell me that it wasn’t my choice because he knows how I feel. He would tell me that I am not alone not tell me that I just need to pretend that my life hasn’t fell apart. He would be the one to not tell me to think happy thoughts he would make me laugh, He would put away my razors and take care of every cut I made that night. He wouldn’t tell me lies just to make me just fall deeper. He would be proud of me for making it this far. He would support me and I would thank him. I can’t even talk to him now because his demons took him down, my demons are constantly fighting me and I am still on earth I think he would be proud.”

The person asking me just gave me a piece of paper with a medication on it, I walked out of the room and went to the drug store and got the chemicals that will apparently make me feel better. The therapists just want to numb on medications so I can't do all those things that make me fall. Just to have another "Success" story instead of a long complicated story. I just cannot be fixed


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up today feeling better than I did yesterday but I just stayed in bed for a while, I didn’t feel weak. I feel like I am hiding behind a mask.  
The mask gives me protection against who I was and who I have become. The band is doing alright we are still practicing, my home studio is a mess now.  
By a mess everything isn’t perfect, the guitars are on the couch instead of the guitar stand that went with the desk.  
The keyboards were on the desk with the travel cases open instead of on the desk without anything underneath.  
My studio is usually picture perfect but I guess I shouldn’t beat myself up over this. Is put everything back into place, this part of my frustration has a simple solution but the other parts don’t.  
I always want my problems to have solutions but sometimes questions don’t have answers but how can a person as broken as me know for sure about questions not having answers. All my questions since that day in July don’t have answers because I have been falling deeper since that day because I have been feeling like I have been letting everyone else down but to everyone else looks at me and everything that I try.  
I have heard people say that I am too blind to see that I am trying very hard. I try so hard so my mind won’t completely take me over and it be too late.  
I put in the extra effort.

The band is having a party tonight and invited Anna and I, I tried to decline because I know that everyone is going to be drunk while I am completely sober because what is the point of doing to a party where alcohol is everywhere when you can’t drink because of the medication doing through me.  
When me and Anna get there the band is already drinking and me and Anna already talked about me being the sober driver.  
In my eyes this is just a lie for my friends not to feel like I am not the same person that I was on July 19th.  
When I notice my surroundings I notice the loud music. I hang out for a while then drive my exhausted self home.  
I texted Anna of course telling her why the car was gone.

I just wanted to be alone, away from hiding my feelings and just hiding in general.  
I can’t stand myself because I am so annoying with all the things that I try and fail at.  
I have tried to fix myself because the only one that can save me is me but what if I can’t even fix myself.  
I am just going to keep on going this way.

I am still not eating or sleeping right.  
I tried to eat but I ate half of my food and left the rest on the counter for later, by later I mean later tomorrow when I begin to feel better.  
At least the illusion sounds comforting enough for me to believe it might happen when I wake, I do one of the things that I usually did to fall asleep and it worked.  
I fell asleep and woke up to Anna opening the front door. I go to the front door and Anna sees me and says,

“Lets go to sleep honey”,

We walked to the bedroom together and Anna fell asleep as soon as she hit the pillow but I was over an hour till I fell asleep. I stayed asleep till I heard knocking at my door.

I went to door and Dave was at the other side of the door with the words,

“We have a band meeting tomorrow”.  
I said okay and he went, he usually texted me but I guess he wanted to tell me in person. When I walk back into the bedroom Anna says to me,

“Who was at the door honey?”

I replied,

“Phoenix, I have a band meeting tomorrow”.

It is tomorrow so I guess that I should eat the rest of the food that I ate half of with the excuse that I would eat the rest tomorrow.  
I shouldn't lie about this to myself but sometimes we have to do what is wrong.


End file.
